Nice versa

As the fableStory or tale. goes, a lion was lying in the forest, deep in slumberSleep., when a timidEasily frightened. little mouse ran across its nose. The lion awakened and went to kill the mouse with its big paws.

But the mouse pleadedBegged. for its life. "If you spare me, one day I will repay you," it squeaked, as the lion laughed, wondering how something so minuscule could ever help him. But some days later, the lion was caught in a hunter's net. Just as he thought he would never escape, who should appear but the mouse, who gnawed quickly through his restraints to set him free.

The moral is that no act of kindness goes unrewarded. But one woman thinks that nowadays, our focus on being nice is stopping us from being kind.

The difference might not immediately be obvious. But for college professor Alena Papayanis, being nice is about transactionWhen you buy or sell something. , whilst being kind comes from genuine compassionShowing feelings of sadness, sympathy and genuine care for other people's suffering. for others.

When we focus on being nice, we might choose to do things that will make other people feel better in the moment so that they have a good impression of us. But when we are kind, we look out for their long-term happiness. Niceness can be superficialOn the surface only. ; kindness is compassionate.

Most of us think that we are nice people. According to one British study, 98% of people think of themselves as nicer than most.¹ But how many of us are kind?

In the 2nd Century, Marcus AureliusA Stoic philosopher and Roman emperor from 161 to 180AD. called kindness mankind's greatest delight. Seventeen centuries later, the Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy said that "you should respond with kindness toward evil done to you, and you will destroy in an evil person that pleasure which he derives from evil".

It is one of our oldest principles. But some people think that it is becoming a less popular trait in the modern age. And it may be becoming a social problem. According to researchers, acts of kindness make us happier.² Those who engage in kind acts every day might see reductions in both anxiety and depression. 

But being nice can actually make us feel worse. For women, the pressure to perform niceness can sometimes be insidiousSomething which is gradually and secretly causing harm. . Studies show that women working in male-dominated fields are more likely to be labelled "bossy" and "emotional" than men for the same behaviours.³ When we are nice out of obligation, it can make us more stressed.

Niceness is also often linked to people-pleasing. But experts warn that people-pleasing behaviours only make us unhappy in the long run. Iveta Zaklasnikova, a business coach and mentor, says that it comes from our prehistoricUsed to refer to anything really ancient. History is thought to have begun around 3,000 years ago with the advent of writing. Anything that predates this time is measured not through text and human knowledge but by dating objects, bones, and other materials. ancestors, who feared being alone because it would be harder to survive.

"Thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in caves and hung out in tribes. Being alone meant death because they wouldn't be able to survive on their own. The thing is that this fear of being alone is still ingrained in us - in the oldest part of our brain."⁴

But when we put others' needs over our own, it can make us feel resentful. Eventually, we become sick of feeling unfulfilled in our relationships - even if the problem is ourselves.

What helps us is not always being nice to others. It is being honest about our feelings, seeking out the things that make us happy, trying to understand others deeply rather than simply trying to make them like us.

Is it better to be kind?

Yes: Niceness is just about making yourself look good to other people, even if it is not in their best interests. Kindness is more meaningful because it means properly investing in other people's long-term emotions.

No: Niceness and kindness fulfil different functions. We should always strive to be nice, because it makes others more comfortable and makes it clear that we are open to building relationships with them.

Or... There is room for being both nice and kind. Why should we have to choose between two pleasant traits?