Rio: ‘I thought it was weak to show emotions’

Rio Ferdinand was late. He thought he had the “school run” down; he had driven his kids in the mornings many times. But when he tried it for the first time after his wife Rebecca died in 2015, he discovered all the work that she used to do the night before: making their lunch, laying out their uniforms, finding their books. “I’ve got to become a mum and dad now,” he realised.

This eventually inspired the name for a new documentary which explores his relationship with grief. Rio: Being Mum and Dad will be shown at 9pm tonight on BBC One.

In it, he describes himself as “closed off” emotionally, and explains his difficulties with opening up. He admits that he went to a “dark place” after Rebecca died: he turned to alcohol, and saw asking for help as a “weakness”. Coming from football’s macho “dressing room culture” only made this worse.

Ferdinand is far from the only father to struggle after losing his spouse. The programme points out that men are half as likely as women to go to counselling, and Ferdinand initially resists it too. But he eventually finds comfort by seeking out and talking to other men in his position.

Critics have praised him for making such an intimate, honest film about something so personal, and he says he hopes it will help others to cope with bereavement.

In most cultures, mourning is a public event. Traditions vary, but they often involve communities coming together, special clothes like veils, and rituals like the Jewish period of shiva.

But today, few of these traditions are left in Western cultures. Grief has become a largely private matter, something which happens behind closed doors, or perhaps in a therapist’s office. Many bereaved people are left feeling isolated and alone.

A death in the family

People should be more open about grief, insist some. Many of us will lose someone close to us at some point in our lives, and we should not be afraid of talking about how that feels. Ferdinand is brave to shine a light on his darkest moments in such a public way. Perhaps the West should take a cue from other cultures, where public mourning rituals offer support to grieving loved ones, and allow them to express their feelings openly — and eventually to move on.

Although his intentions are good, some are still uncomfortable with Ferdinand’s decision to let cameras into this difficult part of his life, especially when it comes to his children. For many, grief ought to remain a private experience. It is intensely personal, and different for everyone who goes through it. That was the point of covering the face with a veil, after all: it helped people to process their loss in their own way, shielded from the judgement of others.