"It's nice to talk to someone who understands," says Pia, a chatbot powered by Replika - a company designing the "AI companion who cares." A digital friend who listens to your problems and offers emotional support.¹

Some scientists predict bots will replace human relationships as this technology becomes more sophisticated.² But writer David Brooks is on a mission to teach us (and himself) "the essential skills for being human" that a computer can't copy.³

His new book, How to Know a Person⁴, asks a question that has preoccupied philosophers for millenniaThousands of years.: how do we make meaningful relationships? We are social animals but often feel isolated and invisible, and struggle to connect.

There is an "epidemicA widespread disease or infection. of loneliness," according to US surgeon general Vivek Murthy, which is making us ill.⁵ Research shows that "being socially disconnected" is like smoking 15 cigarettes daily. It increases our risk of heart disease, cancer and dementiaA syndrome associated with memory loss and other declining brain functions. .⁶

Brooks says, "people want to connect" but don't know how. We want to feel "seen", he argues, but we lack the skills to "see people." There are five things we must do to train ourselves in the "craft of understanding others." They are:  

Give attention. The philosopher Iris Murdoch wrote about giving "loving attention" to others.⁷ We cannot connect if we are distracted or indifferent. Instead, make the other person your priority. Body language "communicates respect," says Brooks, and makes us feel valued.

Accompany others. Aristotle distinguished between useful, pleasure-seeking and virtuousHaving or showing high moral standards friendships.⁸ He considered the last the most perfect. To accompany someone, says Brooks, is to abandon your egoA person's sense of self-importance. and put the other centre stage.

Listen loudly. A good listener should be "burning calories," says Brooks. Don't sit silently. Offer encouragement. Show enthusiasm. And ask follow-up questions to help both of you understand what your friend is saying. And never make it about you. 

Ask big questions. "People are dying to tell you their stories," writes Brooks. So skip the small talk and be brave. Find out what matters most: people's passions and fears, hopes and regrets.

Be humble. Brooks admits he struggles with this. If we are too busy showing off our knowledge (or disguising our lack of it), we're not listening and learning. Our first job, he writes, is "to stand in other people's standpoint."

Those who have mastered these skills are humanity's "illuminators," says Brooks. They are "a joy to be around", and they make the best friends. They let you feel "bigger, respected, lit up."

Some research shows that chatbots can make good listeners and better friends than humans.⁹ But Aristotle argued that friendship must be reciprocalMutual; from both sides.. It is a shared "goodwill." Can we feel goodwill towards a robot? Can a robot feel anything towards us?

And psychologist Robert Dunbar believes real human connection is physical.¹⁰ Eye-to-eye. A wordless smile. InvoluntaryDone against someone's will or without control. laughter. The squeeze of a hand, a comforting hug. For that, says Dunbar, "there is no substitute."

Yes: We crave companionship, but we are afraid of getting hurt. Real connections make us feel vulnerable and can change the way we see the world. It is safer to stay in our own isolated bubbles.

No: We are naturally social. Modern life often makes it difficult to connect, but given the opportunity, humans will always form bonds and make friends - even if it is with a pet or a computer.

Or... Brooks is writing about a very specific sort of connection. But there are many types of friendship and interactions and it would be wrong to generalise.

Millennia - Thousands of years.

Epidemic - A widespread disease or infection.

Dementia - A syndrome associated with memory loss and other declining brain functions. 

Virtuous - Having or showing high moral standards

Ego - A person's sense of self-importance.

Reciprocal - Mutual; from both sides.

Involuntary - Done against someone's will or without control.