‘Why I believe friends are highly overrated’

He said, she said: The hit film Mean Girls famously depicted the struggles of toxic friendship.
by Julie Burchill

English journalist who has described her work as "the writing equivalent of screaming and throwing things”. Known for her combative columns in newspapers including The Times and The Guardian, she is also a best-selling novelist.

Whether you have a BFF or are a social butterfly, our culture sees friendship as a deep part of human nature. But Julie Burchill argues that we can be happy without any friends at all.

I am not a bad friend. I enjoy my mates, and I am generous, showering them with fun, money and sympathy. But I do not crave their company when I am without it, for whatever length of time, and should we lose touch, I do not miss them. In fact, I find there’s a profound pleasure in parting with a chum, whether by their hand or by yours. We should all have the courage to admit it when a friendship has become more work than play, more duty than beauty.

Maybe my origins led me to feel this way. I was an only child who, at an early age, became extremely fond of my own company. Some of my earliest memories are of lurking in my bedroom and begging my mother to get rid of young schoolmates who had come calling for me to play.

I was first married as a teenager, remarried in my mid-twenties straight after my divorce and then took up with the man whom I’ve now been with for 22 years. I always had my husbands to talk to, so I never grew up sharing confidences with friends the way other women do.

Friends are not necessarily the people you like best. they are merely the people who get there first

As I have got older, I have learned how to do so, and I must say I enjoy it — it’s a one-on-one way of showing off. And, not being needy, I have found myself making friends with the ease and swiftness that other people pick up fuzzballs on their jumpers. But because of my early solitude, friends seem luxuries rather than necessities.

Some people might find this attitude deeply shallow, but I like Peter Ustinov’s take on it: “Friends are not necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who get there first.”

Those extreme hoarders I sometimes see on TV horrify me because we know that if you never throw anything out, you often won’t be able to find what you want. And perhaps the thing you want may be a new thing — and too many old things will take up room the new thing needs. The same goes for friends. You need to keep the line moving in order for the dance not to grind to a halt.

We seem to have become more sentimental about friendship as we have become more sceptical about love. You could forgive old Thoreau, wandering about Walden Pond in solitary bucolic bliss back in 1845, for musing that: “Friends… they cherish one another’s hopes. They are kind to one another’s dreams.”

But you’d think that the Spice Girls, in 1996, fresh from the cut and thrust of stage school and the chorus line, would have known better than to sing, “If you wanna be my lover/ You gotta get with my friends” — not a pervy call to voyeuristic pleasure, but (according to Wikipedia) one which ”addresses the value of female friendship over the heterosexual bond”.

I adore my mates, but I’d chuck them under a metaphorical bus for someone I was in love with — because while there are only a certain number of people we can desire, potential friends (like buses) come along all the time.

John Galsworthy’s heroine Irene, of The Forsyte Saga, says something I first heard as a child and which has stuck with me all my life. When she is caught out by her young protégée June having an affair with June’s fiancé, the younger girl has a right hissy fit and yells something like: “But I thought you were my friend!” Irene replies along the lines of: “A woman of the world doesn’t have friends — she has lovers, and acquaintances.”

I wouldn’t go this far, but neither do I consider the craze for prizing female friendship above all other forms of affection to be any way for an adult to live their life. When it stops being fun, get the hell out of Dodge and don’t look back.

This article was originally published by The Spectator. You can find the original article under Become An Expert.

You Decide

  1. Is friendship the most important relationship?

Activities

  1. Can you think of any characters from film or TV which have a strong friendship? What is their relationship based on? Do they face any difficulties which put strain on their friendship? Do you think our culture presents realistic depictions of friends?

Word Watch

Profound
Very great or intense (when referring to an emotion).
Peter Ustinov’s
English actor and writer (1921 — 2004). He has won two Oscars, both for best supporting actor.
Thoreau
Henry David Thoreau, an American writer and philosopher (1817 — 1862). He is best known for the book Walden, a reflection on human spirituality and nature.
Spice Girls
English pop group formed in 1994. They were one of the most successful bands in history, having sold over 85 million records worldwide. Their potential reunion this year has been much speculated upon, however it is unclear if they will begin performing again.
The Forsyte Saga
Series of three novels by British author John Galsworthy, the first instalment published in 1906. The series focuses on the life of an upper class English family
Protégée
A young person guided and supported by an older and more experienced companion.

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