Have we lost the art of friendship? A worrying new survey reveals that Americans today have fewer friends than they used to, and are also less likely to have a best friend.

At the other end of the scale, 13% now say they have 10 or more close friends - down from 33% in 1990. The percentage of those with a best friendOne-fifth of Americans count a family member as their best friend. has fallen too, from 75% to 59%.

These are the conclusions of a new American surveyThe research was carried out by the Survey Centre on American Life.. According to the head researcher, Daniel Cox: "We realise the importance of friendship, and we're just not investing the time."

Parents, he says, are partly to blame: because they spend twice as much time with their children as previous generations did, young people now have fewer chances to make friends. Two other key factors are that people are more likely to move home to live with their parents and they spend more time working.

The pandemic has also played a part: 9% of Americans say they have lost touch with most of their friends over the past year, while 47% have lost touch with some of them.

However, almost exactly the same number have made at least one new friend. Another positive finding was that two-thirds of adults maintain friendships forged in childhood. People from ethnic minorities are particularly good at doing this.  

One author, Kate Murphy, argues that when it comes to friendship, quality rather than quantity is what counts: "People want fewer and better friends."

Even before the pandemic, she says, "We were in the grips of a loneliness epidemic. That loneliness wasn't necessarily from being alone. In fact, it was often a feeling of alienationEmotional separation. It derives from a Latin word meaning foreign or strange. while in the presence of other people."

Digital communication is no substitute for physical companionship, and a social-media life results in less time for meaningful relationships.  "You can be friendly with a lot of people," Murphy says, "but you can only have a few good friends. An occasional lunch, back slap at a cocktail party or exchange of texts is sociability but not social support."

Mate data

The essayist Michel de MontaigneA Frenchman who lived in Bordeaux and is credited with inventing the essay as a type of writing. distinguished between ordinary friendship and true friendship. Ordinary friendships contain an element of self-interest and are "nothing but acquaintance, and familiarities, either occasionally contracted, or upon some design."

But true friendship, the souls of two people "mix and work themselves into one piece, with so universal a mixture, that there is no more sign of the seam by which they were first conjoined".

Friendship can create surprising pairings, and overcome all kinds of prejudice, as the bond between Marilyn MonroeThe actress (1926 - 1962) is best known for her roles in films such as Some Like It Hot and The Seven Year Itch. and Ella FitzgeraldThe jazz singer (1917 - 1996) was nicknamed the First Lady of Song. demonstrates.

In his book Bowling AloneThe title comes from the discovery that while more Americans are playing 10-pin bowling than ever before, fewer are playing with other people., however, the American academic Robert Putnam concluded that people are generally becoming more solitary: they belong to fewer organisations, know fewer neighbours, meet friends less frequently and even socialise less with their families.

Have we lost the art of friendship?

Some say yes, as the survey clearly shows. We now spend much of our lives on social media. We collect a large number of friends without really knowing most of them. All the time, we are trying to project an image that will win their approval. The art of friendship lies in spending time with people as individuals, making the most of what you have in common and appreciating each other for who you are.

Others argue that the pandemic has obviously disrupted a huge number of relationships, but it is just a temporary blip - and the friendships made during it are likely to be particularly strong ones. America is not representative of the world as a whole because it has an unusually mobile population, and while its people are very outgoing, they are also difficult to forge close relationships with.